The sun's about to set and I miss you. I miss you now just as much as I did that first night in the spring. Missing you is my job now, my goal everyday. It's a solid that's formed inside me, pushing out everything else that's good. Filling every moment of my day and punching thru me at night. Missing you is a full time job that I never applied for. It's the only thing that I pray to be failure at.
In the dark of night I miss the reverberation of your snores against my chest where I held to your back tightly. In the cold I miss the heat that emanated from your furnace of a body. The way that we had choreographed a dance long ago that required no words at all. I miss your overeager cheer that morning always brought. I miss the echo of your voice as it teased and taunted. My laughter is hollow and I search and fight for the happiness I once had. I miss the confidence of knowing that you are here, the comfort of someone having my back. I miss never walking alone; even when I was. The sure fact that you were there even when I couldn't see you. I hate the questions that have invaded my life; questions of confidence and self-doubt.
I miss that my accomplishments have no one to cheer them on and my failures have no one to cry with. The days are empty and lonely. My phone doesn't ring and my finger lingers...wanting even needing to text you. Hoping and praying that if I did you would answer. That for just a minute or two it could be like before. That maybe I could remember what it was like when you loved me. So I miss you...always. With every breath I take it becomes bigger and threatens to swallow me whole. I tread the waters of loneliness and hope for strength to hold on, but it's always there...I miss you, I miss us.
I don't know when or how my whole life became woven with yours. When you became my center, my home. They say ignorance is bliss. I say it's bullshit. I've lived in ignorance for what feels like a lifetime but I never saw it, never realized that that's what it all was. I missed it, I lost it, like sand falling through my fingers I lost us...I lost my happy. I lived in a dream and now I spend my nights trying to get a grasp on it again. Trying to pinpoint the moment when I lost it...lost you. But I can't, I can't get a hold on it. So I miss you some more.
The worst is missing your giant embrace. The only place that I ever felt safe in. It's gone and I'm afraid...all the time. It's not fair that you should have taken all that power with you, that you should have so much control. So I'm angry but I still miss you. I cry and sob and I still miss you. My heart is broken and I still miss you. I'm angry that I miss you, I'm angry that I love you still and I'm angry that you don't care. I wish you cared, I wish you missed me, I wish you'd come back.
So I miss you with every breath, every minute...I miss us. I miss the person I was with you and pray that I find her again. I miss the love we shared and can only dream of another chance. I miss you, I miss us. It's always here clawing away at me, reminding me of my failure of my loss. It's a dark shadow that follows me everywhere in everything that I do. Even without you I'm never alone, I miss you and I carry that around everyday.
I miss you...now and always. I love you...now and always. I wish that this was all just a very bad dream...now and always. But wishes don't always come true, sometimes the light of day breaks through and reality is just the same as it was the night before...and I'm still missing you.
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